smile lines
Looking for Jesus
An old man
who was the worse for drink stumbled upon a baptismal
service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He
proceeded to walk into the water and stood next to the
preacher, in the way that only drunks can.
The minister noticed the old man and said, "Mister,
are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looked up and smiled willingly: "Yes,
preacher, I sure am."
So then and there the minister dunked the old man under
the water and pulled him right back up.
"Well,
have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunked him under for quite a bit longer, brought him up, and said,
"Now,
brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him out of the water, and said in a harsh tone, "Well, my man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk, gasping for air, wiped his eyes and asked the preacher rather desperately: "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Musings on everyday life
Are you
telling the truth when you lie in bed?
Despite the cost of living, why does it remain so
popular?
If a word in a dictionary is misspelled, how would you
know?
In Chinese why are the words for crisis and opportunity
the same?
How can a house burn up when it burns down?
Why does X stand for a kiss?
Why does O stand for a hug?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
expected?
When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
Why are they called non-stick pans? Is there a law saying
you are not allowed to put sticks in them?
As summer approaches…
"What
parable in the Bible do you like best?" they asked
the little boy.
That was easy. "The one about the lad that loafs and
fishes."
Snob value
"Speaking
of old families," said the aristocrat at the garden
party, out to impress a visiting American, "one of
my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna
Carta."
"And one of mine," replied the American
nonchalantly, "was present at the signing of the Ten
Commandments."
Crime
In this
country, we pay a tremendous crime bill each year, but we
do get a lot of crime for our money.
For anyone with offspring about to get their driving
license…
The main thing that the ruins of ancient Egypt prove is
that ancient Egyptian children insisted on having a shot
at backing the chariot into the garage.
The new, hesitant young driver, waiting for traffic to
clear, came to a complete stop on a motorway slip-road.
The traffic thinned, but the intimidated driver still
waited. Finally, an infuriated voice in a car behind
yelled: "You're supposed to yield, not to give up
altogether!"
As summer weddings approach....
Boy: You look
like a nice sensible girl. Let's get married.
Girl. No. I'm just as nice and sensible as I look.
Friend: "What is your ideal man?"
Girl: "One who is clever enough to make lots of
money and foolish enough to spend it on me!"
"May I ask the photographers not to take pictures of
the wedding party during the service," said the
vicar. "Wait and shoot them as they come out of the
church."
"Woman without her man is helpless." (Now put a
comma after 'woman' and after 'her'.)
A funny thing is love
It cometh
from above, and lighteth like a dove - on some.
And some whom it hits, it nearly gives them fits,
and scatters all their wits - Oh hum! anon
And as golfers proliferate on the courses this Spring....
Golfer: I
never played such a course in my life.
Caddie: Sir, you left the course twenty minutes ago. You
are now in the Smith's rock garden.
As the sweet young thing said when she took her first
golf lesson: "Now which club do I use for a
hole-in-one?" - H.V. Prochnow
The beggar
Pedestrian:
Sorry, my good man, but I just don't give money to men on
the street.
Beggar: Do you expect me to open an office?
US Army
An American
army private, filling out a questionnaire for a
correspondence course, was stymied a bit by the question:
"How long has your present employer been in
business?" But after a few moment's worried thought,
his eyes lit up. He wrote: "Since 1776."
Tact: The dessert was delicious. Did you buy it yourself?
A church choir director has his towels marked Hymn and Her.
Understandable
A young
father went to the hospital to see his new offspring.
Looking through the window, he saw row upon row of new
arrivals, and every one of them was crying.
"Why are they all crying?" he asked the nurse.
She replied: "If you were only a few hours old,
without any clothes in the world, didn't speak the
language, couldn't afford an education, were out of work
and owed the government thousands on the national debt,
you'd be howling, too."
Dog training
A
well-meaning lady held a biscuit above a dog and
commanded: "Speak, speak!"
"Why," said the dog modestly, "I hardly
know what to say!"
Happy gardening!
To enjoy your garden, put on a wide hat and gloves, hold a little trowel in one hand, and tell the man where to dig.
Active Christian
My neighbour's son is very active in our local church - he squirms, wiggles, and fidgets
